Thursday, October 22, 2009
Where have all the good friends gone
I've been on an emotional melt down for the past few days.
Because look at my CRAZY schedule.
Friday - Council meeting.
Monday - Dance.
Tuesday - Leadership training, Dance, RAW concert.
Wednesday - Leadership training, Dance, Pre-HK trip prac @ SJI
Thursday - Pre-HK trip prac @ SJI
Friday - Justin's birthday party.
geeez.
Hong Kong is taking up SOOOO much of my time.
And this year, the timing's not right, so much so that I have the opportunity of missing both council camp and dance camp, and though i didn't show it in school, i'm pretty sore about the whole thing. I mean, I guess its pretty selfish to think that they should change the whole thing just for me, but i mean, to miss
both?
I might as well not be in council OR dance. Plus, its DANCE camp. Nothing I want to do more than to spend the last days with our Sec 4 seniors. I missed seniors' farewell last year, and this year i have to miss our first ever dance camp.
I mean.
Timing cuts me no slack at all. Whatsoever.
Geez so much so that i cried for two hours while my parents tried reasoning with me, about calling of hong kong.
Now I just wished i never sign up. But i have to make another silly commitment and compromise my social life and sacrifice dance and council, which honestly, I haven't been on track with. But I just can't let my HK friends down, and cause such a hassle for the lfight arrangements and whatever, its just unwanted attention, that i really really don't need. Gah. my parents just don't understand that, and think that its okay to get out of the hong kong thing,
but its notThe thing is, I just don't know how much longer I can take the 'had to be there's' and everything. I don't want to spend the next year, in council or in dance, with all my peers around me(I can just picture this), "Hey remember what happened at ______ camp?" Eye contact, moment of silence, laughter and giggles. And then suddenly, somehow, my invisibility cloak comes on.
Its not as if I'm not having problems with not being that big in dance. Sure sure, i know everyone and everything, but i feel like a letdown for something i love so much.
So the only way I can make up for that is to do the Dance board, which I'm put in charge of. And its not that i want to do it, but the deadline's in December, and I am going to be in hong kong for TWOOOOO long weeks.
I don't mind going on vacation, but i wish there was something productive I could do WHILE i was there. But i thought of a way of being at dance camp, not physically, but dancers shall see when the time comes. I just don't want to come back for dance and be left out all over again. I never really fit in, I mean some way or other, some dancers are closer to each other, they always seem to go out and get through to the same auditions, and partner up during class or something, and i'm just the extra. All the time.
because of AEP, that's the other thing. My commitment to AEP has not only deprived me of every Tuesday's worth of socialising(I'm not exaggerating, and if you were me, you'd understand), but its also caused me my technique, and ZAKI. I know Zaki's hard and everything, but that's the WHOLE point. I mean, I don't understand why people wanna skip Zaki, though he can push you to tears, and make single handedly KILL your feet just by sitting in his chair, but its GOOD.
This is what improving looks like. And i can't do that, because of AEP, i can't get the techniques, or training my mind to catch up with choreo fast, and because of the accumalation of being Zaki-less, there goes my shot of even being CLOSE to SYF 2011. I mean the rest of the girls will have prior training and be used to Zaki.
I can't underestimate them and think I'm good enough. That's just arrogance. And I've seen the huge leap in improvement, so yeah. I'll probably be an unaccomplished dancer by the time a graduate.
but i'm beyond the point of quitting anything.
I can't back out of anything. of council, of dance, of AEP, of Hong Kong.
I just can't.
I just wonder it'd be like if I didn't care that much.
And i did.
I'd probably be liked alot less.
I can't stand resting on my laurels all day.
Nobody cuts me any slack.
One slip, and the world falls on you.
Some people just gave it so good.
And I think everyone just overestimates me. My mum says I have to say 'No' some time or other.
But i have to look to God and ask Him why he put me there.
He has so many challenges for me, but the only, sole motivation that keeps my alive and kicking is that, geez. God put me here.
He has a reason and a reason for that reason for putting me through all of this.
Just think, if I'm able to do this, if I'm able to conquer all this, I'll just be...
bionic woman.
I guess you see, that's what the world does to you.
I barely have time for a social life
And i'm quite sad that the Toots have gone down the drain
There. I said it.
But none can deny it.
Its just a big pity.
Just lost a group of friends that meant so much to me
its just lost.
And I seem to be the only one bothered by it, because the rest of them have time to fit in somewhere else, whereas I, as usual am sitting on the fence.
I just know people.
But i don't FIT in.
And the ones that genuinely know me can't be there(physically) for me all the time.
And so while I'm obsessing over Jack's Mannequin, a verse in "Dark Blue" has just been replaying and replaying over again.
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"
Yes.
I am sinking into a pit of emptiness, where people are just aiming at me, and yeah, as my mum says, she thinkgs this is a happy problem because I have the liberty of choosing and deciding what things to sacrifice, because I have so much potential.
But I question my capability sometimes. What have I done to get this reputation of being able to do stuff so well. The people I work with, fine yeah, but.
its just different.
I wish someone else were in charge sometime.
Without a word, i always KNOW i'm going to be pinpointed.
So i just have to go along with it.
So i have so many mountains in front of me, but God's grace is my fuel.
Right now i'm just in a valley.
And.. WOW this post is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo contradictory. But you don't realise that as I type, I
think (at least one good habit I cultivated this year), and as i THINK, things change. Realization and revelation occur.
Trust me, this post wasn't initially supposed to end like this.
It was angsty.
I was going to bitch about my brother, and he IS. Its just that i'm oging to keep that to myself now.
but this is how the post ends.
I'm still pretty melancholic. I'm still searching for what our IJ graduates have found : True friends. Because I think we're losing our patriotism.
We're not IJ anymore.
We're just a school thats been around for a long time.
I just want those "IJ friends are friends for life" thing. I mean look at my mum and her friends, I even wonder whether my mum ever felt left out. She was busy too. But maybe her case is different. She has 4 siblings.
but I wonder if my friends will be friends for life, because now, friends i've known forever, and mean the world (and more) to me, are suddenly becoming distant like I never imagined, and like geez. SOMEONE needs to take a chill pill and lend me a ear.
Where have all the good times gone.
(I'd like to emphasise again on how long I cried for dance camp and council camp yesterday)
Y Your's Truly9:42 PM
